Donuts Are Gay Bagels: A Very Scientific Case Study

This is a bagel.

Delicious, no doubt, but definitely better when paired with something else, like cream cheese, or butter, or Nutella, or the blood of your enemies. A classic. The norm. Well-liked, for the most part.

This is donut.

Gorgeous. A dessert. Often described as “magical” flavor-wise. There are so many varieties it’s impossible to keep count. Loved by some, hated by others. They’ll say they’re “too sweet” or “too greasy” or “too fatty.” Some people say they literally make them sick to their stomachs.

Donuts are totally gay bagels.

This is not a novel concept, but in this *political climate* I’m appalled that there have been no conclusive studies done on this topic. It’s important that the LGBTQ+ community claim back a food that has been hijacked by heteros and the donut lobby to push their capitalist agenda. So you’re welcome for all the hard work that’s gone into this highly scientific study.

Look at this bagel.

It’s just a bagel. There’s nothing wrong with that, but bagels are everywhere. Nothing exciting. Nothing new here. Totally straight. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, I’m just saying it’s the norm.

Now look at this donut.

This is a work of art. Someone call the MOMA.

It’s so f**king pretty. It looks fun. It’s so bright and vibrant. Look at all the colors. Totally queer. If you asked me to draw “queer” in food form, this is exactly what I’d draw. I’m sure to some people it looks like “too much.” Those people are homophobes.

These are the Google Image results for “bagel.”

*Yawn.*

These are the Google Image results for “donut.”

If you’re in a quiet space, notice that you can literally hear RuPaul playing when you look at these results.

LOOK HOW MANY RAINBOWS THERE ARE. So gay.

I do realize there are rainbow bagels now, but those bagels are posers.

They look like they’d be delicious and sweet and fun like a donut, but then you eat it and it’s just a goddamn bagel. I don’t want dye in my bagels. If I wanted a bagel, I’d eat a f**king regular bagel. It’s the food equivalent of straight people coopting queer culture and style for monetary gain. And people have the nerve to put funfetti cream cheese on these phonies.

This is literally Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl” and I am not here for it.

You can even have savory donuts. That’s right, donuts can go both ways, #BiVisibility. You thought bacon egg and cheese sandwiches were only for bagels? THINK AGAIN. I’m a vegetarian, but I’m sure it’s absolutely scrumptious.

If you think this is an abomination, you’re no different than the Westboro Baptist Church.

Donuts can also be rather unassuming, too. Check out this donut.

It’s just a plain goddamn. Stop pushing your donut stereotypes on it.

It’s not shiny, it’s not powdery, it’s not colorful. It’s just doing it’s thing. You may not even know it’s a donut, and you know what? Whether it’s a donut or not is none of your damn business. Just let it be a donut and stop pushing your stereotypes on it. It’s happy the way it is, and guess what…it’s still delicious.

Happy Pride, everyone. Be sure to eat a donut.

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of satire, kids.